I know a place
By the water’s edge
Walk with me there
I know a place
Filled with light
Shine with me there
I know a place
Inside my heart
Connect with me there
I woke the other morning with moments of this night grasping my mind and rumbling through my body.
It took me a couple days of sitting with the grasping and the rumbling to put it down on paper.
It was a a day of learning. Of glimpses into another’s world.
A day of beauty. passion. wonder…jumbled together with reality. sadness. knowing.
Refusing then to see the latter, the truth achingly vibrates through my body.
The night was magical. The night was heartbreaking. I see that now.
First times intertwined with familiarity. Laughter and joy paused by worry.
Moments of intimacy weaved with fear. Bodies aligning and swimming in ecstasy.
A heart strewn out all over the floor while the other was closing the door.
I pushed to to know you. to see inside your heart.
I choose years ago to live from my heart. to live closer to my edge.
to step across and sometimes jump over that edge.
I jumped with both feet in your direction more than once.
I ask myself…through all the sadness and the pain…was it worth it??
I had to step away for a few days from this writing.
Pause and listen to my heart.
The answer to that question. Though it’s really the question that matters.
Yes. it was worth it. I would ask it again and again.
The profound connection. the genuine love. the fire. the loss. the sorrow
Knowing what I now know. The answer is still yes…
I would have loved you nonetheless.
I lied awake tossing and turning.
Maybe it’s from being sick for 4 days.
Maybe it’s something else.
Thoughts are everywhere and nowhere.
Emotions are wild yet steady.
Love is limitless but unseen.
I am simple and complex.
Free flowing mingled with force.
Excuses plentiful. belief deficient.
Happiness weaved with sadness.
When we’re children and as we grow and move through life things happen. Rejection. Abandonment. Success. Failure. Loss. Disappointment. Joy. Grief. Sadness. And so on. As one or more of the same experiences trample through our lives, we develop beliefs about ourselves based on those experiences.
‘I can find love but cannot hold on to it.’
‘I’m not good enough to succeed at my dreams.’
‘No one will ever love me.’
‘I will always be sick and unhealthy.’
‘My parents were broke so I will always be broke.’ Etc. Etc.
Those beliefs felt so real and true at that time in your life. But what about now? Are you still telling yourself the same stories? Consciously? Subconsciously? How do you know if those beliefs still hold true? If those beliefs are all you tell yourself then of course they’re true. What if you stopped telling yourself those negative beliefs? What would your life be like? The first step is to recognize those beliefs. To acknowledge them. To admit them. To understand where they came from. Then you can begin to leave those beliefs in the past and heal from those old wounds. And we all have beliefs that no longer service us.